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Breakbounce » Blog » Bro-code » Were There Any Metrosexual Vikings (u Know) Back In The Day
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Sure, man, maybe you’ve seen a werewolf in London drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s (his hair was silky smooth, right?), but have you ever spotted a metrosexual viking eating tapas on a Friday night? We’re not kidding. Breakbounce is sure those barbarian, Baltic dudes had their own versions of Beckham, Levine, Pitt, and Bale. Ok, so if they had them, what did those chaps look like and how did Scandinavian society perceive them?

 

  1. We like to rock a faded starter cap with a pair of street trousers. But Vikings, those dudes preferred donning a horned or winged helmet. They looked like frat boys on Hell Night…well, every night. As the saying goes: the first rule of fight club is there is no fight club.
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  3. Without MTV or celebrity gossip blogs from Perez Hilton, the only way village samaritans could get their fix of the latest Viking star was to attend a renaissance fair. That place was like the red carpet back in the day, bro. Wardrobe malfunctions and all.
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  5. Modern metrosexuals dig the clean-shaven look. Norse explorers went for the classic rock long hair and beard fashion. They’d top off the look with a long tunic and cloak.
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  7. If Beckham, Levine, Pitt, and Bale took a DeLorean time machine back to medieval Scandinavia, who would be Odin, Thor, Frigg, and Balder? Figure that one out next time your chillin’ with the boys over Foosball.
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  9. If a Viking metro played Batman, he’d ditch that utility belt and go straight for the forged axe. He could use the same axe if he was going all American Psycho, too.
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  11. Vikings love tattoos. Beckham loves tattoos. That’s A implies C basic logic, men: Beckham’s gotta’ be a Viking. He pillaged the pitch back in the day. Bending it, for sure.
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  13. Honestly, guys, Vikings get bum rap. According to John of Wallingford, a Medieval chronicler, Vikings combed their hair every day, washed every Saturday, and changed their clothes regularly. Those are habits of a true metrosexual. Wonder if they got manis and pedis too, eh?
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    Listen up! Times have changed, so we don’t condone washing only once a week. And you’re certainly not going to make a good impression on a lady if you pick her up, viking style, and carry her over your shoulder. But a horned or winged helmet? That’s an accessory every modern metrosexual needs. GO!

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